Are you having a tough day because of all the stuff you need to do today? Disconnect from all of that and refresh yourself while having a good laugh. May these humor quotes give you fun thoughts that will make you smile and lessen your load for the day.
1. “I appreciate thieves who do their research, but at least you recognize worth when you see it.” – M.L. LeGette
2. “This is what happened in love. One of you cried a lot and then both of you grew sarcastic.” – Lorrie Moore
3. “Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs.” – Oliver Goldsmith
4. “Dear karma, I really hate you right now, you made your point.” – Ottilie Weber
5. “I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible.” – Jane Austen
6. “If you say: we’re in this together, I’m going to hurl.” – Kelley Armstrong
7. “I don't know about your true form, but the weight of your ego sure is pushing the crust of the earth toward the breaking point.” – Jim Butcher
8. “Let me ask you a question. What do you think is the greatest evil on this planet today? Is that including, or not including you?” – Anthony Horowitz
9. “You did not just say that. I have a feeling we're on the verge of hugging and coming up with cute nicknames for each other.” – Richelle Mead
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10. “Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.” – Ambrose Bierce
11. “One day I'll work out what it is you are saying, my lad, and then you'll be in trouble.” – Terry Pratchett
12. “Clever is when one is crafty enough to mistake your imagination for intelligence. Smart is when one assumes they are too educated to notice the difference.” – Kerry E. Wagner
13. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde
14. “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” – Ace Ventura
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15. “Thinking I'm a moron gives people something to feel smug about, Why should I disillusion them?” – Madeleine L'Engle
16. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” – Betty White
17. “Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway.” – Robert Downey Jr.
18. “I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.” – Carrie Bradshaw
19. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.” – David Letterman
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20. “The more this guy talked, the more he sounded like a fortune cookie.” – Kelly Creagh
21. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams
22. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” – Jack Handey
23. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin
24. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” – Mark Twain
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25. “Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” – Katharine Hepburn
26. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A.A. Milne
27. “Don’t be so humble—you're not that great.” – Golda Meir
28. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
29. “Your most important work is always ahead of you, never behind you.” – Stephen Covey
30. “I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later.” – Mitch Hedberg
More Best Humorous Quotes
31. “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” – Judith Martin
32. “I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
33. “Criticism is the best sign you’re onto something.” – Michael Lopp
34. “There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” – Oscar Wilde
35. “When your mother asks, Do you want a piece of advice? it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” – Erma Bombeck
36. “There’s power in looking silly and not caring that you do.” – Amy Poehler
37. “In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” – Fran Lebowitz
38. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller
39. “Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.” – Tom Lehrer
40. “Instant gratification takes too long.” – Carrie Fisher
41. “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.” – Jerry Seinfeld
42. “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
43. “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” – Ellen DeGeneres
44. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott
45. “Minds are like parachutes. They only function when open.” – Frank Zappa
46. “Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to go shopping.” – Bo Derek
47. “I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.” – Rodney Dangerfield
48. “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde
49. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” – Charles M. Schulz
50. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” – Les Dawson
51. “I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx
52. “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” – Joan Rivers
53. “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” – Mindy Kaling
54. “It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous.” – Robert Benchley
55. “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb and I also know that I’m not blonde.” – Dolly Parton
56. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” – Joan Rivers
57. “The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
58. “It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.” – Shirley MacLaine
59. “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.” – Leslie Nielsen
60. “If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.” – Phyllis Diller
61. “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” – Terry Pratchett
62. “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.” – Bobby Boucher
63. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard
64. “Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” – Isaac Asimov
65. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” – Jimmy Kimmel
66. “If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.” – Margaret Thatcher
67. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” – George Carlin
68. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
69. “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” – Halley Reed
70. “Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.” – Phyllis Diller
Share these Sense of Humor Quotes with your friends, family, and loved ones to inspire them as well.
2. “This is what happened in love. One of you cried a lot and then both of you grew sarcastic.” – Lorrie Moore
3. “Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs.” – Oliver Goldsmith
4. “Dear karma, I really hate you right now, you made your point.” – Ottilie Weber
5. “I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible.” – Jane Austen
6. “If you say: we’re in this together, I’m going to hurl.” – Kelley Armstrong
7. “I don't know about your true form, but the weight of your ego sure is pushing the crust of the earth toward the breaking point.” – Jim Butcher
8. “Let me ask you a question. What do you think is the greatest evil on this planet today? Is that including, or not including you?” – Anthony Horowitz
9. “You did not just say that. I have a feeling we're on the verge of hugging and coming up with cute nicknames for each other.” – Richelle Mead
11. “One day I'll work out what it is you are saying, my lad, and then you'll be in trouble.” – Terry Pratchett
12. “Clever is when one is crafty enough to mistake your imagination for intelligence. Smart is when one assumes they are too educated to notice the difference.” – Kerry E. Wagner
13. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde
14. “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” – Ace Ventura
16. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” – Betty White
17. “Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway.” – Robert Downey Jr.
18. “I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.” – Carrie Bradshaw
19. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.” – David Letterman
21. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams
22. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” – Jack Handey
23. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin
24. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” – Mark Twain
26. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A.A. Milne
27. “Don’t be so humble—you're not that great.” – Golda Meir
28. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
29. “Your most important work is always ahead of you, never behind you.” – Stephen Covey
30. “I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later.” – Mitch Hedberg
More Best Humorous Quotes
31. “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” – Judith Martin
32. “I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
33. “Criticism is the best sign you’re onto something.” – Michael Lopp
34. “There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” – Oscar Wilde
35. “When your mother asks, Do you want a piece of advice? it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” – Erma Bombeck
36. “There’s power in looking silly and not caring that you do.” – Amy Poehler
37. “In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” – Fran Lebowitz
38. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller
39. “Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.” – Tom Lehrer
40. “Instant gratification takes too long.” – Carrie Fisher
41. “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.” – Jerry Seinfeld
42. “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
43. “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” – Ellen DeGeneres
44. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott
45. “Minds are like parachutes. They only function when open.” – Frank Zappa
46. “Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to go shopping.” – Bo Derek
47. “I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.” – Rodney Dangerfield
48. “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde
49. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” – Charles M. Schulz
50. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” – Les Dawson
51. “I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx
52. “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” – Joan Rivers
53. “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” – Mindy Kaling
54. “It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous.” – Robert Benchley
55. “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb and I also know that I’m not blonde.” – Dolly Parton
56. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” – Joan Rivers
57. “The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
58. “It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.” – Shirley MacLaine
59. “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.” – Leslie Nielsen
60. “If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.” – Phyllis Diller
61. “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” – Terry Pratchett
62. “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.” – Bobby Boucher
63. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard
64. “Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” – Isaac Asimov
65. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” – Jimmy Kimmel
66. “If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.” – Margaret Thatcher
67. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” – George Carlin
68. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
69. “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” – Halley Reed
70. “Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.” – Phyllis Diller
Share these Sense of Humor Quotes with your friends, family, and loved ones to inspire them as well.