Being witty is defined as using words on the spot in a funny, clever, and humorous way. Some people may find it offensive, but it's not on purpose. People with this ability are admirable because of their quick thinking and amusingly intelligent delivery of their thoughts. May these witty quotes on life help spice up your busy and tiring day and improve your sense of humor even for a bit.
1. “The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas.” – Linus Pauling
2. “A life lived in fear is a life half-lived.” – Spanish proverb
3. “All progress has resulted from people who took unpopular positions.” – Adlai E. Stevenson
4. “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.” – Henry Ford
5. “When you are angry, try your best to go to sleep because it keeps you away from speaking, writing, and thinking.” – Amit Kalantri
6. “If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?” – Anonymous
7. “So just let me deal with it, I can be emotionally flawed and still love you all at the same time. I’m a great multitasker.” – Holly Hood
8. “A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt
9. “Intelligence is more important than strength, that is why earth is ruled by men and not by animals.” – Amit Kalantri
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10. “I’d like to live like a poor man, only with lots of money.” – Pablo Picasso
11. “Human beings aren’t rational animals; we’re rationalizing animals who want to appear reasonable to ourselves.” – Eliot Aronson
12. “I wasn't used to guys making me blush, and I wasn't sure why he even was making me blush.” – Holly Hood
13. “Pretending to care what men think is an art. It takes moments to learn, but lifetimes to master. I’d like to believe I’m an expert.” – Dennis Sharpe
14. “You should praise, criticize and flirt with people right to their face, only then it will make a difference.” – Amit Kalantri
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15. “Arguing with a fool proves there are two.” – Doris M. Smith
16. “Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things.” – Peter Drucker
17. “You noticed that I wore this outfit twice? Why, the only thing you wear twice is a sour expression.” – L.M. Montgomery
18. “We find comfort among those who agree with us, and growth among those who don’t.” – Frank A. Clark
19. “I am not fat, I am just easier to see.” – Anonymous
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20. “By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” – Robert Frost
21. “Friends are like melons; shall I tell you why? To find a good one, you must one hundred try.” – Claude Mermet
22. “It ain’t what you know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.” – Mark Twain
23. “Don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
24. “Improve by one percent a day, and in just seventy days, you’re twice as good.” – Alan Weiss
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25. “Time is a great healer, but a poor beautician.” – Lucille S. Harper
26. “The worst distance between two people is misunderstanding.” – Anonymous
27. “I don’t have a bad handwriting. I have my own font.” – Anonymous
28. “Whoever best describes a problem is the one most likely to solve it.” – Dan Roam
29. “Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely.” – Erma Bombeck
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30. “I not only use all the brains I have, but all that I can borrow.” – Woodrow Wilson
More Funny Witty Quotes
31. “Don’t worry about people stealing an idea. If it’s original, you will have to ram it down their throats.” – Howard Aiken
32. “Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.” – Criss Jami
33. “What gets measured, gets managed.” – Peter Drucker
34. “Faced with the choice between changing one’s mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.” – John Kenneth Galbraith
35. “Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.” – Anonymous
36. “The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool.” – Richard P. Feynman
37. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard
38. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” – Michael Scott
39. “I am not arguing. I am simply explaining why I’m right.” – Anonymous
40. “An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
41. “Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.” – Anonymous
42. “The problem human beings face is not that we aim too high and fail, but that we aim too low and succeed.” – Michelangelo
43. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” – Isaac Asimov
44. “Knowledge is proud that it knows so much; wisdom is humble that it knows no more.” – William Cowper
45. “People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured, if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” – Joan Rivers
46. “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” – Redd Foxx
47. “He who wrestles with us, strengthens our nerves and sharpens our skills. Our antagonist is our helper.” – Edmund Burke
48. “If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will avoid one hundred days of sorrow.” – Chinese Proverb
49. “How you think when you lose determines how long it will be until you win.” – Gilbert Keith Chesterton
50. “I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.” – Bill Watterson
51. “Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.” – Anonymous
52. “We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” – Bryan White
53. “Playing it safe is the riskiest choice we can ever make.” – Sarah Ban Breathnach
54. “I don’t let go of concepts. I meet them with understanding. Then they let go of me.” – Byron Katie
55. “The greatest risk is to risk nothing at all.” – Anonymous
56. “The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make a mistake.” – Elbert Hubbard
57. “I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail.” – Abraham Maslow
58. “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.” – Tom Robbins
59. “If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.” – Anonymous
60. “However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results.” – Winston Churchill
61. “I’m an angel. The horns are only there to hold up the halo.” – Suzanne Wright
62. “There is never a better measure of what a person is than what he does when he’s absolutely free to choose.” – William M. Bulger
63. “Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.” – Benjamin Disraeli
64. “If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.” – Woody Allen
65. “Life is like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it shits on your head.” – Anonymous
66. “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” – Mae West
67. “It is far better to be alone, than to be in bad company.” – George Washington
68. “Life’s tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.” – Benjamin Franklin
69. “To keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.” – Anonymous
70. “ If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has twenty five more letters. Keep calm.” – Anonymous
71. “It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?” – Ronald Reagan
72. “Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward.” – Soren Kierkegaard
73. “Maturity involves turning an insult into a feedback.” – Aniekee Tochukwu Ezekiel
74. “If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” – W.C. Fields
75. “A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.” – Anonymous
76. “The world hates change yet it is the only thing that has brought progress.” – Charles F. Kettering
77. “Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task.” – William James
78. “Some fellows get credit for being conservative when they are only stupid.” – Kim Hubbard
79. “Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.” – Anonymous
80. “I’ll go anywhere as long as it’s forward.” – David Livingstone
81. “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” – Bob Hope
82. “It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.” – Dorothy Zbornak
83. “Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.” – John Wagner
84. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
85. “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain
86. “Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford.” – Cindy Crawford
87. “I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age, I’m very pleased to be anywhere.” – George Burns
88. “Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom do the dishes.” – P.J. O'Rourke
89. “Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” – Larry Lorenzoni
90. “Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.” – Ellen DeGeneres
91. “You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.” – Ogden Nash
92. “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever's in the glass.” – Sophia Petrillo
93. “You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred.” – Woody Allen
94. “I’m not convinced I know how to read, I’ve just memorized a lot of words.” – Nick Miller
95. “The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana.” – Betty White
96. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
97. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.” – Shirley MacLaine
98. “Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.” – Pauline Thomason
99. “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.” – Sir Norman Wisdom
100. “Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any.” – Samuel L. Jackson
Share these Short Witty Quotes with your friends, family, and loved ones to inspire them as well.
2. “A life lived in fear is a life half-lived.” – Spanish proverb
3. “All progress has resulted from people who took unpopular positions.” – Adlai E. Stevenson
4. “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.” – Henry Ford
5. “When you are angry, try your best to go to sleep because it keeps you away from speaking, writing, and thinking.” – Amit Kalantri
6. “If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?” – Anonymous
7. “So just let me deal with it, I can be emotionally flawed and still love you all at the same time. I’m a great multitasker.” – Holly Hood
8. “A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt
9. “Intelligence is more important than strength, that is why earth is ruled by men and not by animals.” – Amit Kalantri
11. “Human beings aren’t rational animals; we’re rationalizing animals who want to appear reasonable to ourselves.” – Eliot Aronson
12. “I wasn't used to guys making me blush, and I wasn't sure why he even was making me blush.” – Holly Hood
13. “Pretending to care what men think is an art. It takes moments to learn, but lifetimes to master. I’d like to believe I’m an expert.” – Dennis Sharpe
14. “You should praise, criticize and flirt with people right to their face, only then it will make a difference.” – Amit Kalantri
16. “Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things.” – Peter Drucker
17. “You noticed that I wore this outfit twice? Why, the only thing you wear twice is a sour expression.” – L.M. Montgomery
18. “We find comfort among those who agree with us, and growth among those who don’t.” – Frank A. Clark
19. “I am not fat, I am just easier to see.” – Anonymous
21. “Friends are like melons; shall I tell you why? To find a good one, you must one hundred try.” – Claude Mermet
22. “It ain’t what you know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.” – Mark Twain
23. “Don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
24. “Improve by one percent a day, and in just seventy days, you’re twice as good.” – Alan Weiss
26. “The worst distance between two people is misunderstanding.” – Anonymous
27. “I don’t have a bad handwriting. I have my own font.” – Anonymous
28. “Whoever best describes a problem is the one most likely to solve it.” – Dan Roam
29. “Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely.” – Erma Bombeck
More Funny Witty Quotes
31. “Don’t worry about people stealing an idea. If it’s original, you will have to ram it down their throats.” – Howard Aiken
32. “Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.” – Criss Jami
33. “What gets measured, gets managed.” – Peter Drucker
34. “Faced with the choice between changing one’s mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.” – John Kenneth Galbraith
35. “Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.” – Anonymous
36. “The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool.” – Richard P. Feynman
37. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard
38. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” – Michael Scott
39. “I am not arguing. I am simply explaining why I’m right.” – Anonymous
40. “An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
41. “Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.” – Anonymous
42. “The problem human beings face is not that we aim too high and fail, but that we aim too low and succeed.” – Michelangelo
43. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” – Isaac Asimov
44. “Knowledge is proud that it knows so much; wisdom is humble that it knows no more.” – William Cowper
45. “People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured, if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” – Joan Rivers
46. “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” – Redd Foxx
47. “He who wrestles with us, strengthens our nerves and sharpens our skills. Our antagonist is our helper.” – Edmund Burke
48. “If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will avoid one hundred days of sorrow.” – Chinese Proverb
49. “How you think when you lose determines how long it will be until you win.” – Gilbert Keith Chesterton
50. “I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.” – Bill Watterson
51. “Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.” – Anonymous
52. “We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” – Bryan White
53. “Playing it safe is the riskiest choice we can ever make.” – Sarah Ban Breathnach
54. “I don’t let go of concepts. I meet them with understanding. Then they let go of me.” – Byron Katie
55. “The greatest risk is to risk nothing at all.” – Anonymous
56. “The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make a mistake.” – Elbert Hubbard
57. “I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail.” – Abraham Maslow
58. “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.” – Tom Robbins
59. “If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.” – Anonymous
60. “However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results.” – Winston Churchill
61. “I’m an angel. The horns are only there to hold up the halo.” – Suzanne Wright
62. “There is never a better measure of what a person is than what he does when he’s absolutely free to choose.” – William M. Bulger
63. “Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.” – Benjamin Disraeli
64. “If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.” – Woody Allen
65. “Life is like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it shits on your head.” – Anonymous
66. “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” – Mae West
67. “It is far better to be alone, than to be in bad company.” – George Washington
68. “Life’s tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.” – Benjamin Franklin
69. “To keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.” – Anonymous
70. “ If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has twenty five more letters. Keep calm.” – Anonymous
71. “It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?” – Ronald Reagan
72. “Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward.” – Soren Kierkegaard
73. “Maturity involves turning an insult into a feedback.” – Aniekee Tochukwu Ezekiel
74. “If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” – W.C. Fields
75. “A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.” – Anonymous
76. “The world hates change yet it is the only thing that has brought progress.” – Charles F. Kettering
77. “Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task.” – William James
78. “Some fellows get credit for being conservative when they are only stupid.” – Kim Hubbard
79. “Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.” – Anonymous
80. “I’ll go anywhere as long as it’s forward.” – David Livingstone
81. “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” – Bob Hope
82. “It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.” – Dorothy Zbornak
83. “Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.” – John Wagner
84. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
85. “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain
86. “Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford.” – Cindy Crawford
87. “I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age, I’m very pleased to be anywhere.” – George Burns
88. “Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom do the dishes.” – P.J. O'Rourke
89. “Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” – Larry Lorenzoni
90. “Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.” – Ellen DeGeneres
91. “You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.” – Ogden Nash
92. “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever's in the glass.” – Sophia Petrillo
93. “You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred.” – Woody Allen
94. “I’m not convinced I know how to read, I’ve just memorized a lot of words.” – Nick Miller
95. “The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana.” – Betty White
96. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
97. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.” – Shirley MacLaine
98. “Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.” – Pauline Thomason
99. “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.” – Sir Norman Wisdom
100. “Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any.” – Samuel L. Jackson
Share these Short Witty Quotes with your friends, family, and loved ones to inspire them as well.